MamaZen

2003-07-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

I feel a little pressure from the ambitious title and description I have given my blogg… to write about things which are more peaceful and soothing that the things I have been writing about. Like I should be making this into a gratitude journal or into something inspirational instead of the place I dump my stress or just the details of life’s comings and goings. I guess, for me that IS how I find the Zen though, I need this outlet in order to savor those things that ARE beautiful and Zen-like in my day. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you’re disappointed by my lack of insight, rest assured that I am feeling something similar. I’m just not really sure how to fix it, but I’ll let you know if I come up with anything. I just can’t force something that simply isn’t THERE, you know?

Things have been really busy lately, but it’s a good kind of busy and nothing I really mind. Don’t tell anyone this, but I had the BEST time cleaning the apartment on Sunday… five hours all by myself in absolute quiet!!!!! I can’t even tell you how good that felt. Since we’ve gotten Ruby I make a lot more trips by myself, but it’s not the same thing as having a space of my own that’s quiet. I guess it’s that whole, a room of ones own concept that Virginia Wolf wrote about. Anyway, I got all of these brownie points for doing the apartment all by myself after unpacking and organizing the house by myself, when really it was my absolute pleasure to do it. Call it cleaning therapy, but it was so nice having uninterrupted quiet time to really think about things. So much has been zooming around in my head it was nice to really get some things settled… know what I mean?

Last night Angie attacked the back porch, and while she didn’t finish it… it’s really getting there. How nice will that be, to have the entire house organized? That’s only happened one other time, in the townhouse and then we moved shortly after. I know were here for a good while so we should be able to enjoy this a little more. There’s just something so draining in having all of that clutter and mess, it was really freaking me out… and let me tell you, there’s nothing like the absolute Zen feeling that comes when you feel like your house is really in harmony. I got rid of SO MUCH STUFF, and we’ll never miss it but we still were clinging on to it for whatever reason.

We’re going to the lake tonight, I just have that feeling like I need to swim, I guess it’s that whole baptismal cleansing thing (ok maybe not) but sometimes I just NEED to be underwater. My mom used to call me a water baby because so often that was all that would make me happy, it’s just a part of who I am I guess… I need the water. It makes me feel so rejuvenated and peaceful. Unlike right now, when I feel a little frustrated that Ruby is now crying (AGAIN) so I am going to have to go.

Happy Tuesday all!

2003-07-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

Drink, Drank, Druuuunk!

Holy CRAP, we had quite the book group last night! I have basically given up drinking as a regular form of ‘entertainment’, in fact I can count on two fingers the number of times I have imbibed in the past four or five months. So, I am not sure what happened at book group last night, but I certainly had more that enough of the old jagermeister. That stuff is tricky and so I became very drunk very fast and that really wasn’t something I had any intention of doing… ever again really. It didn’t help that I had been cleaning all day (the whole house is DONE now… excluding the back porch, which I think I will get to today because the garage is open now) and so I only had a tomato for lunch and then wasn’t really hungry for dinner either. I made up for it calorie wise with the booze but there was nothing to really soak up anything I was drinking which lead to my downfall.

We had a good time though, a really good time! I guess I have had so much on my mind lately that I needed a release, and I certainly had one. The actual book group part of the evening was sort of lame, nobody had finished the book because it was long and boring and poorly written, there were all of these new people and so we were working on chemistry and stuff which was weird… it’ll totally get better but I was glad it was short and over fast. We picked a good book for next month though, “Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bon’s” which has GOT to be better than “A Death in Texas’!!!! Everyone LEFT their copies of the book here so I am going to wrap them up and deliver them to Sonya at work since she picked the book. Anyway as book club ended Bethany and Mason left with the friends they had brought and their children, and then my sister took off which left Sonya, Shelly, Margie, Emily, Nicole, Angie and I. This turned out to be the perfect mix for a night of bust your gut laughter, singing, dancing, and a whole lot of mischief. If you’re in your early 20’s, try not to picture us because we did not have anywhere near the kind of good time that you probably would have had.

Margie’s friend Emily is JUST the kind of person I want around when I am drinking because she’s totally insane… she was talking about how each number, letter and day of the week has a corresponding color in her head. I almost fell of the porch laughing at her, she’s so WEIRD but when you’re all juiced up it’s just totally funny. Also, Shellie was good times because we both went to the same high school (she and my sister were in the same class) and so we were singing country songs and teaching people how to swing dance in the living room. We kept falling over toys that the babies got out earlier though; I guess it never occurred to anyone to PICK them up. Anyway it’s tough to explain WHY it was so much fun but I haven’t laughed so hard in ages.

And now, just what I WANT to do right now, I must go clean out our apartment so we can turn in the keys! WOOWOO good times for sure!

Take Care.

2003-07-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

I’ve finally made some really good headway on getting our new house in order, and let me tell you it feels great!! When we first moved in I worked really hard to get the living room/dining room/Kitchen areas clean so that we could live without chaos in at least part of our lives, but then I guess we were just plain tired from the move and the babies and we sort of left the rest. I did work on the Den a few times but each way I fixed it, it got messy so fast. That was when I decided that my possessions were beginning to own me and I needed to clear things out. So, this week I sent TONS of stuff to good will (which is of course very close by now, as everything seems to be except Jamba Juice) and TONS of stuff to our apartment dumpster. We’ve got to go clean out the apartment this weekend, since we have to be ‘out’ by the first so I thought we should take advantage of the free garbage while we can. Actually most of it was recycling, but easier to recycle where there’s a big station than in the tiny red tub you get if you live in a house. The mental patient half way house behind us does have a nice recycling station but we’re not sure if we can use it so we don’t put much in there. So, the den is much more empty and can now stay clean with reasonably little effort.

I moved Frances into our room yesterday, so Ephraim has his own room now. I have two reasons for this: one, she has been napping in our room anyway and seems to sleep better with our fan on as white noise (and since she’s more mobile even in her brace I worry about her falling off of our bed) and two, I want Ephraim to gradually say goodbye to her so no more bedroom buddy right now and then later when that seems normal she’ll move out altogether. We got a few things to decorate with for him, and I can’t wait to work on that. I did a tiny bit last night, I bought these glow in the dark stars in his ‘sign’ of Gemini and I put them above his crib. It’s a little iffy as to whether or not he can SEE them that far away, but I’m hopeful. Then we bought these handmade paper elephants to hang on his walls and an elephant sarong to hang on his wall. I think his room is going to be super cute when I’m done.

Last Monday I was really sick and made Angie stay home, then instead of sleeping I spent 6 hours in his room sorting through things and getting rid of stuff. All of the baby stuff I didn’t want I boxed up for Frannie’s mom who will have nothing but the clothes she was arrested in when she gets out of prison (in exactly one month), we told her not to worry about getting things for Frances as we’d take care of that. She’s going to need to furnish an entire apartment so we can at least take care of the baby stuff. Anyway, our room is my last big challenge; I want to spend today on it since I’m in the groove now. Of course, the babies may have other ideas so wish me luck. I say MY last big challenge because that does leave the sun-porch-laundry-room but I talked to the owner last night and I think we’re getting the key to the garage soon, until then that room is sort of stuck in limbo. I did tell Angie she has to do that room (to go with the bathroom that she unpacked and organized) but I realistically don’t expect her to do it since she usually gets too busy in the day to day stuff like doing laundry and dishes, plus when she gets home I like for her to take on the role of main baby slave. So, if I have to choose, I choose sun porch over colicky baby any day!!

We have book group here on Saturday night and I really want the house done by then so that people can see it without the boxes and bags from moving that they saw last month. Our book group has grown from 6 to 12 in this last month. I sort of hope we cap it there because any more people could make it hard for everyone to get a chance to talk. Poor Bethany and Mason have to drive out from Vancouver twice this weekend, once for book group and then tonight as well because it’s Angie’s birthday. I think she just wants to go to a movie (Tomb Raider) and then we got two more vouchers for Eph and Fran and we thought it would be nice to shop without our entourage. We’ll see if she changes her mind though, ‘cause after all it’s her day.

Well, Ephraim has done an excellent job of eating his breakfast alone (and the girls were very obliging to stay sleeping) but now my time’s up and it’s back to mama land. So, have a good day, and a good weekend if I don’t get a chance to write!

2003-07-24T08:42:00.000-07:00

Have I told you how beautiful Ephraim is? His is so amazing, I just sit and watch as he does his busy little tasks and marvel at him. It’s really hard to believe that he once grew inside of someone else, because he is so much a part of me I feel as though I have always known him. He has a laugh that goes straight to your soul and could make the most sinister person burst into laughter and beam with delight. He has the biggest eyes, bigger than most adult eyes I think, and they are a clear blue that draws you in and leaves you captivated. It’s funny that those eyes are so beautiful and yet will never work in quite the way they are supposed to, already they are working so much better than we were ever told they would, but still they will never be quite right. It used to matter, but now it has just become a part of who he is and whether or not he will ever drive has ceased to be of any importance. That’s not to say that I have come to any great acceptance of his issues over all, but I guess with his vision I have. Perhaps that’s how acceptance comes, in pieces as needed. I worry about his intellectual capabilities, the fact that his favorite way to play with toys is still to pick them up and drop them on different surfaces can’t be normal right? Maybe it is though, he’s so much more in tune with music than other babies I have known, and maybe this just factors into that some type of genius tone experiment he’s working on. I’m not saying he needs to be a genius, but after spending a few hours with Michelle’s very autistic 5-year-old… well I just hope he’s not that affected because it looks SO hard! Most of the time though, I don’t think about what the future holds for him and I just revel in the delights of today. I guess that’s one of those bittersweet gifts you get from losing a child, but it’s something I think we needed to live with Ephraim without going crazy. Maybe losing Megan prepared us for Ephraim, and for all of the uncertainty that lies ahead for him. I don’t really try to assign meaning to her loss any more, but sometimes it just creeps in and I guess I’m ok with that.

Anyway, it’s after midnight and I should go to bed… I was just watching him sleep and couldn’t help but stop for a second to just revel in the delight he is.

2003-07-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

Two new things:

First, we’ve found an agency to adopt Ephraim’s sister through. The Heritage Adoption Agency (http://www.heritageadoption.org/domestic/div.html) has a great “diversity” adoption program that you can adopt African American Infants though. It’s about 4,000 so we’re going to save up and then once the girls are gone (yes I did decide not to move Ruby, I think I was just having one of those foster mama attachment crisis) we’ll see about adopting our little girl. We decided that the foster adopt route is heartbreaking, especially since we would like to be finished as foster parents so that…

Number two: (http://170.104.254.22:591/recruit/LEHS1001.HTM)
I can become a caseworker (something I have often thought of doing) but since I would really like to work in THIS county then I am pretty sure I have to wait until we’re no longer certified (I am checking on this though). I do know that one foster mama’s husband works in our county so there may be exceptions. Anyway Angie and I are thinking of each working part time or ¾ time so that we never have to rely on day care but we also both get to work on our life goals more. Sometimes I feel like I am stagnating.

This may sound sudden, but we’ve talked about it off an on for some time now. I’ll let you know what transpires, but it’s been a fun morning playing on the net (who ARE these babies all napping the same time anyway???)

Naptime is once again over,
BYE!!

2003-07-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

We’re home from camping, thank GOD!!! You know, why didn’t anyone tell me that with three babies camping is actually harder work than just staying home? Seriously, you need a vacation from your vacation…crazy! The babies were cranky and wouldn’t sleep and hated their new surroundings. The crappy part is that all of the people who begged us to come and promised to help… well they really weren’t all that helpful at all, they seemed kind of put out when we asked for help. It certainly makes me think about our annual Labor Day trip now. I think we can get Frannie to spend the weekend with either her mom (who will be out) or her aunt; then again she was the EASY one. :P Oy!

This trip really made me think about things, like when Arthur kept attacking Baxter, it was so brutal… I think we have to get rid of him because I am not certain that he doesn’t see Ephraim as a dog too and if her ever turned on him I would never forgive myself. That kills me though, we got him as a tiny 5-week-old baby, so I know we caused his problems… after all of our efforts to try and not raise a dominant dog (the dog we had before him turned on me and had to be put down) we did just that. And he is my family; so sending him off also kills me.

I also started thinking about Ruby and decided that if her mom doesn’t make it into treatment then we might need to move her too. She is SO much work right now and it is starting to impede on my ability to meet Ephraim’s needs. The bottom line is that he is my top priority so although it kills me because it meant so much to get Ruby, she may be the first baby we let go of by our own choice. To be honest, I doubt that will happen though, I think her mom will get into treatment and all of this talk of moving her is just my way of protecting myself from the hurt of that.

I guess the trip was just really overwhelming and when I get that way I start trying to figure out how to make things better, I have no idea if what I have even mentioned WOULD be better though! Of course, we had fun on the camping trip too… it wasn’t all hell. I even went body boarding with my niece and her friend which was probably the highlight of the trip, it was SO much fun!

Well, Frances has decided that naptime is over, so I’ll talk more soon! Bye.

2003-07-18T09:39:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, have things been busy lately!!! In fact, so busy that I am writing this in a word doc at 12:30am because I am tired of never having time to blogg anymore. That way I can get up and find two seconds to cut and paste instead of trying to carve out typing time when the three amigo’s are awake. Sadly, when it’s daylight Ruby needs a LOT of attention because she (like so MANY of our wee ones) is very colicky right now. At least Frances has outgrown hers and is so happy and sweet now; one screamer is MORE than enough!!!

Last weekend we took the car out for its first road trip, we went to Coos Bay/North bend which is a 4 ½ + hr drive from here, it’s down on the southern Oregon coast. Frannie’s mom is in prison boot camp down there and she needed to see her girl, plus we have met a family with a five year old with Ephraim’s disorder who just adopted a 6 month old girl who also has SOD and so we got to meet them. That was a little hard for us because we had really considered adopting this same girl (we came very close in fact) and we know our home study would have been selected over theirs after we met them because while they were very nice they lived in a small trailer house that was messy and they just weren’t as cool as we are. :P But, she had a lot more issues than Ephraim does and we thought that the 7 months age difference was just not enough space to really focus on each of them, so in that way we did make the best decision. Still, meeting this girl who was so beautiful was really hard for us, especially when the mom went to smoke “outside” but just stood in the doorway with the door open so it all blew in. YUCK! I mean, I did only quit smoking a few months ago but I always did it outside with the doors CLOSED and was careful to wash well afterwards.

Our drive went really well, we took the dogs (we just got a gate so they can’t jump over the seats) and they did great both in the car and at the hotel. Ruby hates the car and cried for hours, which was so sad, but what can you do? Every time we stopped she was fine so we knew it was really just the car. I love the coast down there and while Angie took Fran to her mom for 3-½ hour visit, I went to the beach with the dogs and the other two. It was a glorious hot and sunny day that is so rare even in the summer, and the dunes were snowy white against a blue blue ocean… I really love the beach when it’s sunny!!!

This week I stayed for Ruby’s visit with her mom, and we talked a lot. She is going to treatment very soon, she’s number 9 on the list. Once she makes it through her 30-day blackout period (fortunately the baby doesn’t count and she will get to see her in that time) then Ruby will go to treatment with her mom. I am very ambivalent about this, I really like her mom and you can tell she adores her baby so I want them to be together; but I also really love Ruby and she just FEELS like she’s part of our family. She even looks like my niece Madi and I when we were her age, however, as I know all too well what is meant to be will happen whether or not I worry about it so I am just letting the Universe be my guide on this one.

I stopped taking my birth control and guess what, I feel great again, so it WAS the pills! I just started thinking that the best week of the month is not typically the green pill week… unless it’s the pills that are the problem and voila it was, YAY!!! I was really kind of freaked out that things would start to get hairy again so soon and for no real reason.

This weekend we’re going camping, en mass to the coast, (12 adults, 8 older children, 4 babies and 5 dogs) I will definitely tell you how it goes! We just got a new tent that I drove out and set up today (well when I post this it’ll be yesterday) and it is so much better than the old one. I am excited to go try it out, and the babies slept really well at the hotel so I am hopeful that this will be similar… I also remember from last year that babies sleep better outside, I think they enjoy the cold air and the warm snuggle of blankets.

Our new house just got painted, and this weekend the new fence is going in, then the new grass will get planted early next week in the back yard. We get a new roof soon too, and (eew, gross) the exterminator is coming Monday to check out our carpenter ant problem. So, very soon things will be looking great here!! I hope the inside will match soon. I have finished the dining room, living room, kitchen, and the nursery, Angie did the bathroom (woo woo, don’t get me started) so now I need to clean out our room, the den and the back porch and we’ll be done. The new fence also means that we get to use the garage starting next week which will really help with the back laundry room/sun porch which is crazy messy still because there is just too much CRAP! Most people move and get rid of stuff before the move, I do it AFTER… strange I know but I needed to be HERE to see what I wanted, if that makes any sense at all. Things just FEEL better when they are cleared out and minimal though, so most of the crap is going going gone!!!

Ok I need to SLEEP now, so I will go. It’ll be Friday when I post this: Happy Friday all. I hope you have a fabulous weekend, get out there and DO something!!!!!

2003-07-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

"Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign
around his or her neck that says, 'Make Me Feel Important'.
Not only will you succeed in sales, you will succeed in life."

--Mary Kay Ashe

2003-07-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

Clearly I am not in much of a writing mood today, it’s just one of those curl up on the couch days that happen when clouds creep in and cover the sky after days of glorious sunshine. So, instead I pop up little tidbits that others have sent and call it a post, not much Zen in that is there? When the babies get up from their morning nap I think we’ll go for a walk and try to shake off the BLAH’S that I seem to have… funny I was a little like this yesterday too. Kind of heavy hearted and exhausted feeling, like I need to cry but it won’t come out for some reason. And, I don’t think it’s hormones because I just started a new pill pack Sunday, so what the hell?? I refuse to be depressed again; I am simply not going to let that happen (because that works right??), I’ll go on some kind of medication first. But, it’s too soon after two days to do anything except push past it and keep going, which is what I did yesterday and in the end I felt better so here goes… I am off for my walk as Frannie has begun to scream in that way she does whenever I touch the computer. Bye all.

2003-07-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me this, and I want to know…. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING????? J No, I suppose I totally could use some tips on a better social life, who couldn’t right? And mine is certainly not always the Mecca of perfection so maybe I’ll print this out and tape it up all over the house.

8 Steps To A Better Social Life
By Hara Estroff Marano

Perhaps the single greatest source of mental energy is positive interaction with others. Even if you were the class nerd in high school, it's never too late to achieve social success. You can develop social confidence by following
a few simple steps.

Schedule Your Social Life
To hone your social skills; you have to invest time in them. Practice makes perfect, even for the socially secure. By surrounding yourself with others, you create a rich supply of opportunities to observe interactions and improve upon your own social behaviors. Stop turning down party invitations and start inviting people to your home. Plan outings with acquaintances you'd like to know better.

Think Positive
Insecure people approach others anxiously, feeling they have to prove that they're witty or interesting. Self-assured people expect others to respond positively -- despite the fact that one of the most difficult social tasks is to join an activity that is already in progress.

Engage in Social Reconnaissance
The socially competent are highly skilled at information gathering, always scanning the scene for important details to guide their actions. They are tuned in to people's expression of specific emotions and sensitive to signals that convey information about what people's interests are -- whether they want to be left alone or whether there is room in an activity for another person.
To infer correctly what others must be feeling, you must be able to identify and label your own experience accurately. That is where many people, particularly men, fall short. Good conversationalists make comments that are connected to what is said to them and to the social situation; you don't have to be interesting you just have to be interested.

Enter Conversations Gracefully
Timing is everything. After listening and observing on the perimeter of a group they want to join, the socially competent look for an opportunity to step in, knowing it doesn't just happen. It usually appears as a lull in the conversation. Tuned in to the conversational or activity theme, the deft participant asks a question or elaborates on what someone else has already said. The idea is to use an open-ended question that lets others participate. For instance, "Speaking of the election, what does everybody think about so-and-so's decision not to run?"
Once the conversation gets moving, back off and give others a chance to talk. The goal is to help the group have a better conversation.

Learn to Handle Failure
Everyone will sometimes be rejected. The socially confident don’t take rebuffs personally. They don't attribute rejection to internal causes, such as being unlikable or inability to make friends. They assume it can result from any of many factors -- incompatibility, someone else's bad mood or a misunderstanding.
Self-assured people become resilient, using the feedback they get to shape another go at acceptance. When faced with failure, those who are well liked turn a negative response into a counterproposal. They say things like, “Well, can we make a date for next week instead?" Or they move onto another group in the expectation that not every conversation is closed.
And, should they reject others' bids to join with them, they do it in a positive way. They invariably offer a reason or counter with an alternative idea: "I would love to talk with you later."

Manage Your Emotions
Social situations are incredibly complex and dynamic. There are all kinds of verbal and nonverbal cues (such as facial expression and voice tone) that have to be interpreted before you decide on the best response -- all in a matter of microseconds. No one can do all that without a reasonable degree of control over their own emotional states, especially negative emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety and other emotions that usually arise in situations of conflict or uncertainty. The trick is to shift attention away from distressing stimuli toward positive aspects of a situation.

Defuse Disagreements
Conflict is inevitable; coping with confrontations is a critical social skill. Instead of fighting fire with fire, socially confident people stop conflict from escalating. They apologize, propose a joint activity, make a peace offering or negotiate. Sometimes they just change the subject. Managing conflict without aggression requires listening, communicating, taking the perspective of others, controlling negative emotions and problem solving. Even just explaining your point of view in an argument is a helpful move.

Laugh a Little
Humor is the most prized social skill, the fast track to being liked. There's no recipe for creating a sense of humor. But, even in your darkest moments, strive to see the lighter side of a situation.

2003-07-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

Today I want to share a poem I got on my list serve today, it’s sweet and totally makes me think. I guess because I keep trying to exchange my tickets that don’t say whether or not we’re going to Holland or Italy… I want them to say Italy. For Ephraim’s sake, for my own… I’m still hoping that his high end of the spectrum vision will allow him to function normally, that his brain WILL function normally… that HE will function normally even though we all know that there really is no such thing as normal. So, here’s to all of those women who have evolved beyond me, to acceptance and a new kind of hope.

To You, My Sisters,

Many of you I have never even met face to face, but I've searched you out
every day. I've looked for you on the Internet, on playgrounds and in
grocery stores. I've become an expert at identifying you.

You are well worn. You are stronger than you ever wanted to be. Your words
ring experience, experience you culled with your very heart and soul. You
are compassionate beyond the expectations of this world. You are my
"sisters." Yes, you and I, my friend, are sisters in a sorority. A very
elite sorority.

We are special. Just like any other sorority, we were chosen to be members.
Some of us were invited to join immediately, some not for months or even
years. Some of us even tried to refuse membership, but to no avail. We were
initiated in neurologist's offices and NICU units, in obstetrician's
offices, in emergency rooms, and during ultrasounds. We were initiated with
somber telephone calls, consultations, evaluations, blood tests, x-rays, MRI films
and surgeries.

All of us have one thing in common. One day things were fine. We were
pregnant, or we had just given birth, or we were nursing our newborn, or we
were playing with our toddler. Yes, one minute everything was fine. Then,
whether it happened in an instant, as it often does, or over the course of a
few weeks or months, our entire lives changed. Something wasn't quite right.
Then we found ourselves mothers of children with special needs.

We are united, we sisters, regardless of the diversity of our children's
special needs. Some of our children undergo chemotherapy. Some need
respirators and ventilators. Some are unable to talk, some are unable to
walk. Some eat through feeding tubes. Some live in a different world. We do
not discriminate against those mothers whose children's needs are not as
"special" as our child's. We have mutual respect and empathy for all the
women who walk in our shoes.

We are knowledgeable. We have educated ourselves with whatever materials we
could find. We know "the" specialists in the field. We know "the"
neurologists, "the" hospitals, "the" wonder drugs, "the" treatments. We know
"the" tests that need to be done, we know "the" degenerative and progressive
diseases and we hold our breath while our children are tested for them.
Without formal education, we could become board certified in neurology,
endocrinology, and physiatry.

We have taken on our insurance companies and school boards to get what our
children need to survive, and to flourish. We have prevailed upon the State
to include augmentative communication devices in special education classes
and mainstream schools for our children. We have labored to
prove to insurance companies the medical necessity of gait trainers and
other adaptive equipment for our children with spinal cord defects. We have
sued municipalities to have our children properly classified so they could
receive education and evaluation commensurate with their diagnosis. We have
learned to deal with the rest of the world, even if that means walking away
from it.

We have tolerated scorn in supermarkets during "tantrums" and gritted our
teeth while discipline was advocated by the person behind us on line. We
have tolerated inane suggestions and home remedies from well-meaning
strangers. We have tolerated mothers of children without special needs
complaining about chicken pox and ear infections.

We have learned that many of our closest friends can't understand what it's
like to be in our sorority, and don't even want to try. We have our own
personal copies of Emily Perl Kingsley's "A Trip To Holland" and Erma
Bombeck's "The Special Mother." We keep them by our bedside and read and
reread them during our toughest hours.

We have coped with holidays. We have found ways to get our physically
handicapped children to the neighbors' front doors on Halloween, and we have
found ways to help our deaf children form the words, "trick or treat." We
have accepted that our children with sensory dysfunction will never wear
velvet or lace on Christmas. We have painted a canvas of lights and a
blazing Yule log with our words for our blind children. We have pureed
turkey on Thanksgiving. We have bought white chocolate bunnies for Easter.
And all the while, we have tried to create a festive atmosphere for the rest
of our family.

We've gotten up every morning since our journey began wondering how we'd
make it through another day, and gone to bed every evening not sure how we
did it. We've mourned the fact that we never got to relax and sip red wine
in Italy. We've mourned the fact that our trip to Holland has required much
more baggage than we ever imagined when we first visited the travel agent.
And we’ve mourned because we left for the airport without most of the things we
needed for the trip.

But we, sisters, we keep the faith always. We never stop believing. Our love
for our special children and our belief in all that they will achieve in
life knows no bounds. We dream of them scoring touchdowns and extra points
and home runs. We visualize them running sprints and marathons. We dream of
them planting vegetable seeds, riding horses and chopping down trees.

We hear their angelic voices singing Christmas carols. We see their palettes
smeared with watercolors, and their fingers flying over ivory keys in a
concert hall. We are amazed at the grace of their pirouettes. We never,
never stop believing in all they will accomplish as they pass through this
world. But in the meantime, my sisters, the most important thing we do, is
hold tight to their little hands as together, we special mothers and our
special children, reach for the stars.

By Maureen K. Higgins

2003-07-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

Here’s a quick little diddy about this weekend. Not long after I finished my last post on this very blogg, Ephraim began to scream… and scream… and didn’t stop for several hours so I took him to the ER (which thanks to our move is just two blocks away) and they weren’t sure what was wrong so we went home three hours later. After less than three hours sleep we all got up and got ready for the parade we had people coming over for, it was a pretty nice parade although I am not the most appreciative of ignorant displays of patriotism … so I wasn’t too upset when we decided to leave early because the babies were looking burned despite the sunscreen we kept applying. When we got home we put the babes down for a nap only to have our little guy wake up screaming 15 min later. So, back to the ER we went, this time my mom came along which was nice for company. Ephraim has another ear infection… ugh! It’s only his third one which in the world of baby ears is nothing, but the last one was only a couple of months ago so it still stinks.

When we got home I took a nap and all of the guests left while I was sleeping, which was fine I was too tired to care about anything anyway. When I got up we took the babies outside to play in the pool, which they thought was really fun, we have total water babies which is nice! Anyway, that was the 4th… woo woo J. We did sit outside and watch fireworks that night, so I guess it wasn’t a totally off day, just a little weird and anticlimactic.

Saturday was nice, we went downtown and sold some books at Powell’s and bought this months book for our book club. Just between you and me, it’s a pretty gory book so far, but then I am not sure what I was expecting of a book called A Death In Texas, based upon an actual murder where a black man was drug behind a car to death. Still, I keep putting it down because it’s hard to read all at once. After the bookstore we went over to Whole Foods Market and picked up some lunch and then on our way home we traded in some cd’s for new ones. We got the new White Stripes, Radio Head, and the soundtrack to Blue Crush… plus some old Willie Nelson stuff just for fun. I guess we just tooled around the house for the rest of the day, nothing major… tried to take a nap forgetting the golden rule that a baby always awakens when a grown up falls asleep for a nap.

Today we went to the lake with the babies… in case you’re wondering what it would be like to take three babies to the lake… well it’s not pretty. You spend about two hours getting everything packed (the diaper bag, the clothing bag, the cooler, the towels, the rugged double stroller, the bottles, the thermos, etc) and into the car… and everyone fed and clothed in an appropriate way (no cloth diapers, swim suits and hats), then you drive to the lake while the smallest one screams, because she always screams in the car… and the middle one screams because the big one keeps taking her blanket… and then the big one screams because you wont let him keep the aforementioned blanket. Finally you get to the lake and lug the cooler, the rugged stroller, the little one in her car seat because you might want to put her in it (only you never get to) the towels, the diaper bag, the little floatie baby boats… all down to a picnic table in the shade. You deposit your things, put the little one in the front pack, the middle one in her swim diaper and take the diaper out of the biggest ones shorts (which have an attached swim diaper)… shamelessly strip down to your bathing suit that should not ever SEE the light of day and then put the babies back into the stroller and trudge down to the water only to find that the water level is so low there’s a cliff where the water should be that no rugged stroller can navigate. So, you park the stroller, pick up the two big babies and their floaties and towels and try to jump off the cliff with them (you are lucky that a nice dad with 6 yr old twins sees you and comes to help) and then you are finally in the water and you put the babies into their boats and the middle one cries and the big one laughs so you swim him out in the lake only to grow paranoid about whether or not his boat could pop or have some slow leak… so you bring him back and try to cheer up the middle baby who is still not happy. No luck with her and then the big one cries so you get out, thank the twin dad who helps you back UP the cliff and walk back to your table. The babies won’t stop crying even with a snack so you quickly whip up some lettuce and cheese sandwiches that were to be a picnic and try to eat fast so you can safely drive, then you load all of the crap back into the car, change the babies out of their swim clothes and take the little one and put her back in her car seat and get back in the car only to look at your park pass and see that you paid $5.00 to spend about an hour and a half at the lake. Then you drive home amidst the screaming chaos, hop in the shower with the big babies who are now tired and want bottles and really do not want a shower at all and so they cry and the little one cries because you can’t hold her and get the big ones dry and dressed. Finally you sit down to feed the three babies their bottles and think that maybe next time you’ll see if Grammie, or a kind aunt will take the little one because maybe that will help before you realize that really… that wouldn’t help much at all.

Happy Sunday Night Everyone!

2003-07-03T22:59:00.000-07:00

I am a little torn between playing catch up and just writing about life right now. I have decided on the latter, although there’s no doubt the former will come up from time to time… because I remember one of my pitfalls when trying to keep a diary as a child was that I always played the catch up game and it would bore the spit out of me.

Today I took a much-needed break from being mama, and had a nice afternoon/evening to myself. It was wonderful and I will tell all in just a sec, bust first I’ll tell about this morning, which was also not without merit. Dave (our foster parent certifier) came over at 9:45 (it was supposed to be 9 but he is pretty much always late… except that ONE time I was late and he was right on time… crazy man) he recertified us at our new location and caught us up on our status in the adoption process… we need to send some forms to our doctor and then do our interview and we’ll be golden.

Next we went to the DHS (Department of Human Services) office for Ephraim’s CRB (Citizen’s Review Board, this is where people outside of the foster care system oversee the cases to make sure that things are happening in the case the way they should be, kind of a watch dog for foster kids) and once there we met up with a nice blast from the past.
*Flashback* Before we became foster parents we were sort of friend-parents to our friend (Julie) from college’s three children, the oldest a girl and the younger two special needs boys. We had a break up of sorts when we decided we’d parented her children enough (and I have no doubt she was thinking the same thing) and we realized we needed to really cut all ties in order to move our separate ways. Our lives had become too enmeshed and co-dependant over those kids and yet it was FOR them that we all needed to move on and grow up a bit. So we did, and it was one of just a few times when I looked back and really wished things could have gone better because I missed them so much.

Completely off the topic: Another of those times was with Holli … to whom I must say: if you ever on the off chance find and read this, I want you to know that I miss you terribly. I have almost called you countless times and have even driven by your house twice, I am just not really sure you’d WANT to talk to me again after the neurotic freak I turned out to be for so much of this past year. But, I’m really sorry and we love and miss you all!!!

Ok back to the roundabout way I apparently have of telling a story today (ok most days) Julie had her children placed into foster care (with her parents) because of a really sad situation where her fiancé abused her youngest son (blunt force trauma to the head) and she took a day to realize that he could have done that which opened up a window in which her children were not seen as safe from this man and so they were removed from her. We spoke twice when Megan died, and then now have started talking again and it was so nice to see her again. I’m not saying that we’ll be very close now… so much has happened, but it’s good to have been able to help her out (she basically got the kids back today) and to have mended that fence. I know I am not telling the whole story there, about how we helped or anything but it’s really her story and I feel funny even saying what I have because it’s really not mine to discuss.

Anyway on to CRB, it was pretty good although they did kind of freak us out a bit when they said that because of this snafu with Ephraim’s two fathers (he has a legal dad on the birth certificate and a bio-dad) the legal father gets to start over with a second chance. He’s a terrible scary person whose psych evaluation stated that he had all of the characteristics of an active child abuser, and I will run before I even let him have one visit with my son. He can’t even touch him EVER again or I will have to kill him. So, we might all be moving somewhere far far away if this pans out at all, but right now it looks like it won’t because he’s in California and seems to have moved on. We took all three babies to CRB, it was kind of crazy, but we’re lucky to have the best caseworker ever so she helped and gave Frannie a bottle while we each fed the others. They laughed at the three babies in a row drinking their bottles… it was pretty cute.

Ok, so THEN we went to New Season’s for some much needed groceries and some lunch and I talked Angie into calling in and asking for the rest of the day off of work. So when we got home and the babes were in bed I got to LEAVE ALL BY MYSELF!!! It was 1:30 or so and I had a hair appt at 6:15 so in between I went to this cool running store where they fit you with shoes remarkably well and got some much needed new shoes. Then I drove the HELLISH drive into Vancouver and had the neat piercing lady put hoops back into my lower two holes. She had a woman doing henna in front of her shop for “Art Walk” a monthly night out in their downtown area and so I had my hand done… I had always wanted to try it so it was cool. Then it was hair time so I went and it was ok, but I was glad to hear that my regular guy will be back soon because since Nicole introduced me to him I am in love with my hair it’s so much fun. Right now, it’s ok but nothing funky or special you know??

So after that I wasn’t ready to be done so I went to the mall and to this cool new store called “Torrid” where they have cool clothes like Care Bear T’s and chunky cool shoes. I got two new pairs of pants and then went downstairs for some new shirts… then home. Ahhh… lovely retail therapy day. We have no money now, but I can be ok with that because I HAD A BREAK!!! :P No it’s not really that bad.

Well, so far this blogg is kinda superficial and materialistic, I will have to work on that because while I have my moments I certainly hope that’s not all of who I am!!!

Until next time then!

2003-07-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

A new blogg for a new start, of course that doesn't mean we can't look back, so if you'd like to catch up you can go to my last blogg at http://deepdarkcorners.blogspot.com/... or even the one before that, although I wiped most of it, at http://urbanfostermama.blogspot.com/.

Anyway, that was all then, and this is all now... so here we are back at the beginning and creating a new blogg. I needed something with a more upbeat concept than deep dark corners was, and since I moved into the heart of a fairly small town... well the urban blogg didn't really fit either, and so here we are. I hope this new blogg inspires me to steal moments and write more often, because I really miss writing, and I also miss having little memento’s of what has transpired in my life… it’s so easy to forget things that I was thinking or feeling just days ago, and this enables me to look back more easily. It’s not all pretty, sometimes I look back and cringe at my moods, funks, behaviors, etc… but all we can do is try to learn and move on right? So that’s what we’ll be doing here, searching for that ever elusive inner tranquility as well as just examining the day to day-ness that is uniquely my own.

So much has happened since I last blogged it feels like I am totally starting over. My name is Jen and I am a 28 year old stay at home mama and foster mama. I currently live with my partner Angie, our son Ephraim (who will be thirteen months old in two days) and our two foster daughter’s Frances (who will be 8 months old on the 12th) and Ruby (who will be two months old on the 12th). We are still in the very long process of adopting our son who has been with us since he was four days old; he is amazing and so busy all of the time now! We will be returning Frances to her mama sometime this fall… she has been with us since she was three days old and while we’ll be so sad to see her go we’re also so happy to see her go back to her mama who has really worked hard to get her. Then there’s Ruby, sort of our surprise baby, we didn’t really think she was coming to live with us when poof she appeared just 24 hours old and teeny tiny. We’re not sure what Ruby’s future holds yet, however we’re hoping that she’ll either return home to a healthy mama or stay here with us. Ruby is our 6th foster child in just 14 months and we have grown somewhat tired of the process right now so we’re thinking that if Ruby stays we’ll be done, at least for a while… and if she goes then we may look at adoption instead of fostering for our next child. I’m really thinking that just having two for several years would be nice.

In addition to all of the people in our home we have two dogs named Arthur and Baxter and a cat named Cesar Chavez and two plants that are hanging on for dear life. We just moved into a big three-bedroom house in the downtown area of a fairly small town, with a big front porch, a carport, a detached garage and a soon to be fenced yard. We moved from a small two-bedroom apartment so we’re in awe of all of our room right now. We love it because we’re right by a grocery store, a hospital, and the train stops really close for Angie to ride into work. We also switched our children’s doctor so it’s just two blocks away, and we’re right by the courthouse where we often need to go for the babies. We can walk almost everywhere (except for when we need to go to specialists) and we’re really happy about that… so it’s funny that just as we were moving we got a new car. We had a Toyota Echo that we somehow managed to squeeze all three babies into but could never take our dogs in, anyway now we have a nice new Subaru Forrester and all of the family members are much happier.

There was more I wanted to go into, but that’s all the time I can devote to the blogg right now. Babies are calling for my attention. But I fully intend on writing more soon!
Bye.